Winter Sun
On Morocco, deleting Instagram and staring into space.
In Morocco the mornings are still. The skies are pink, and the sun rises late, later still as it makes its way over the mountain tops, glowing in the blue waters of the bay before it fills the sky. I wake up and get in the water for a high tide surf, hoping for less crowds and smoother rides before the wind picks up in the afternoon. After lunch I read, or I write or try crosswords. I sit at the table with people from Belgium, Switzerland, Germany and Spain and over dinner try to pick up some familiar words from the languages I’ve spent the past ten years studying, with not much success. We talk about the waves, the books we’re reading and the films we’ve watched, what we do at home and where we want to travel.
Imsouane has changed a lot since I came here a couple of years ago. There was an earthquake and a lot of the homes and businesses have been knocked down. I wandered around the town on my first day back here and felt the difference. I have loads of photos from the last visit scattered throughout my camera roll on my phone and saved in files as negatives, forever, at home. I have a camera with me now and I take more photos. I used to upload my pictures on instagram. It felt like a final destination, and with that came a satisfaction. I’ve deleted social media apps from my phone now and haven’t used them for over a month. I don’t think my photos will end up there anymore, but I still take them and wonder what to do with them, if anything at all. The action of taking the photograph and then looking at it, or waiting for it to be developed from film, still feels unfinished after so many years of sharing. Now, I send the pictures to my friends. Digital postcards with little to no explanation. Maybe I will begin to print them and send them by post. Maybe, this feeling will wear.
When I deleted social media (Instagram, Tik Tok, Pinterest), I felt like a cliché and made a mockery of myself in my head. It was like admitting someone else was right about something and I felt conflicted, unsure of my reasoning and about wether or not I was even being serious. In the weeks that followed I felt calm, albeit a bit flat, but kept myself busy. My screen time dissipated into almost nothing and I felt stronger connection to the people who I call or text or see when we’re both in the same place at the same time. More effort, more meaning. However, I also felt uninspired and now I’ve come out of that rut I think I would link it, amidst other things, to deleting the apps.
I lost my appetite over the darkest winter months and although I got it back nearing the end of January, I couldn’t come up with ideas on what to eat, I couldn’t even imagine something I would enjoy and wandered the supermarket isles to come out almost empty handed but for a bag of scampi and a ginger beer. On the empty days which stretched out before me I lacked creativity and felt safer in routine. I dressed in almost the same thing every day and felt uncomfortable to try something else. Of course, this could include many reasons, and I find myself struggling to stay upbeat, or even afloat, come winter, but I do think that a sudden halt to fast-feeding my brain constant images of endless and limitless food, landscapes and art led to some kind of reliance on other people’s easily digestible ideas which left me feeling a bit stuck. This lasted for the first three weeks.
It took some time, and a lull, to come back to myself and think for myself. No quick meal inspo, top ten UK walk videos, the endless stream of clothing ads. I remembered how much I love fish finger sandwiches and I ordered a pair of stripy trousers on Vinted similar to the ones I would wear as a child. I think coming off of social media has reminded me of myself. I have to sit with myself and my thoughts a lot more. I stare into space in the queue at the post office or out of the window on the train. When I wake up in the morning I get out of bed and check the weather outside, not from my phone.
I used to obsess over trying new restaurants and trendy coffee shops who printed cartoonish designs onto their paper cups and did collaborations with ‘lifestyle’ brands or running clubs. I used to explore cities through galleries and concept stores, menus made up of small plates and wine bars. I used to imagine living somewhere busy with late nights, bars and smoking areas with string bulb lights. I used to think I had a plan, or at least, I wanted one.
Now, I can only imagine living on the west coast, because the opportunity to watch the sunset is something I don’t want to miss out on. I like living under huge open skies and seeing the horizon line. I am at the mercy of the wind and rain and I let them blow and wash away my thoughts and feelings like a refresh button. I can always think again, change my mind, wait. I take my shoes off and walk on the sand or through long grass and wet mud, the stones and gravel - some sort of acupuncture.
These ideas haven’t changed in as quickly as a month, and I don’t owe it all to coming off social media. Although, it is that which has given me so much time to reflect and some perspective too. I’m more in tune with what I really want and I can pinpoint the reasons with more clarity, and understanding of myself. In Imsouane, people ask to stay in contact over Instagram but I give over my number for Whatsapp. It’s been nice to spend time with new people laughing about the name for Pipi Longstockings in all of our different languages and watching the sun set over the sea in a peaceful silence. We set meeting points and times instead of texting and we drink mint tea to warm up after getting out of the surf.
